Home Sweet Home

So i've been home for 2 days now.
Its such a calming feeling to finally be home and be able to relax. I will miss the ability to do what i want when i want, nest all night, and have the bed all to my self. But i think the thing i'll miss the most is the AC. FUCK its hot here. Muggy today more than anything. lol.

Tomorrow is our 1 year anniversary. Being young, married, poor, college students makes for a slim anniversary. But i don't really care. Ya i kinda wish we had some big trip planned or a second honey moon or somthing like that. but i figure whats 1 or 2 years when we have a life time together. I'm just happy i'm home, safe, and happy. I'm not on orders somewhere or something like that.

I'm just calm. i'm happy.

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Sooooo Ready to go Home!

Seriously! i'm just ready to get out of this hotel room.
I love my career and what i do. I feel like i'm really doing something.

People in my AFSC (air force specialty code... i think) complain all the time that we're not 'doing anything important', but i highly doubt they've ever sat pointlessly in a closet of an office retyping endless docuements.

but whatever.
i love what we do. no matter who is mad, what old guy hits on you or antyhing. it like it more than my day jobl lol.

but i'm sooooooooooooooooo ready to go hug and kiss my husband. i think if i was away for a long time i'd be more prepared to be away. but when you're only gone for 14 days, on day 12 i'm so ready to be home. Today is the end of day 12. i'm so ready to be home. this time friday i'll be in full swing back at home! I can't wait!!
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in hopes of going home todays picture is retro Mr. & Mrs. Rotty
Halloween '06

Battles

Long story short:
shitty childhood + bottled up emotions + 20plus years of life= a lot of anxiety and stress

So I've been working on my anxiety and personal issues for a long time. Its been a long and slow battle. My amazing husband understands and works with me on it. He's probably the only reason I even want to improve on my issues.

So for the most part I know what i'm stressing about when i get anxiety issues or panic attacks. I can normally point out an event, an issue, a thought, a something that triggered it. That is normally, but every once in a while i just have a rise in anxiety and I'm not quite sure what it is that's making it happen.

That was yesterday. Yesterday i had a migraine all day and my anxiety was through the roof. When i get a head ache like that all i can do is lay down. its not an enjoyable thing. I stopped eating because i was coughing so bad and gaging so bad. my anxiety is through the roof.

I thought about it all day. Bri was having assholeitis last night. that's where he's a bigger asshole then need be. an inflammation of his assholeness if you will.
(is it bad to laugh at your own joke?)

My head ached finally loosened its grip on my brain around midnight last night and i was able to get a little bit of sleep.
The past 3 nights now I've been getting super sucky sleep. I can't fall asleep till way way late. I get up 3 or 4 times in a night sometimes for an hour or more at a time and I'm wide awake early in the morning. My body is rebelling against me all of a sudden. I'm pretty sure if i could find the source of my sleeping issues i could get a grasp on my anxiety.

My anxiety was so bad yesterday. Today I'm just cold. lol. i fell asleep with the AC on last night. But so far the day is looking up.

Bri called me this morning on his way to class. I think that's an amazing way to wake up in the morning.

This blog really doesn't have a purpose. I might have to start labeling these i think. This one should be random ramblings. Battles
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The many adventures of captain clumsy

SO i think i may be the clumsiest (is that even a word) person ever created.

so yesterdays adventure.

i went to BK for lunch and got a big old soda.
i drive off. stop at the stop light, go to take a drink and dump like 1/4 of the soda down the front of me. yep and I'm wearing white. fuck.
so i go back to my room and change.


This mornings adventure.
i cut the top of my mouth.
but you'll never guess how.
.................eating a fucking apple.
told you never guess.

i love when i get random marks on my body too.
yesterday i found a huge ass bruise under my right knee. don't know where it came from but whatever. lol

these were the many adventures of captain clumsy!
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i'm liked

i found this on another persons blog
soooo cute.
http://www.demarketubbergen.nl/downloads/kids/i-like-you.swf

Tattoos.

actually i want several tattoos.
i know what i want.
i know what they symbolize.
I am afraid of 2 things.

1) that they'll hurt like a bitch
2) once i start i won't be able to stop.

i find tattoos sexy and beautiful if they have thoughts and meanings behind them.

i want wings angel wings on my back for family members I've lost.

i want my 'mommy' on my right foot, and 'papooli' on my left foot. (sappy alert) that way no matter where i am, where i go, or what environment I'm in my parents will always walk with me.

i want sometimes always on my side. its a thing between B and I.

i also want this tattoo i saw forever and a half ago.

its the blue sparrow bird on has devil horns, one has a halo. I want those on either shoulder.

I think that tattoos are AMAZING!
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Names...

Soooooooooooooo maybe i've been hanging out on with the baby bains a little to much.
but today the idea of names was brought up so i thought i'd think about it. lol

I like the idea of naming kids after family names.

i like Dean Robert (my dads middle and first name)

or Dean Allen (my dads middle name his dads first name)

I'm not so keen on Allen Robert but i do like Robert Allen.

Robert has been a long standing family name. My grandfather, dad, brother, and my moms dad were all roberts of some form. lol.

my girl name is a sealed deal. i've known what it was going to be for years.

Elanore Anne. My grandmothers twin sister was Elanore and she died really young of black cancer and i want to use that name. and anne is my moms middle name. I wouldn't use her first name because she hates her name. lol.

okay that was hard. must walk away from the baby brains.
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Today's story

So today i got word that there would be a secret HR mission around 1200.

as the day went through we got word that there was a mission coming through with the remains of a marine killed in the line of duty.

so around 1200 we went out and detail guarded the gate and ushered the hearse and the marine color guard onto the flight line.

before the plane landed we are informed that he was a reserve marine who was a fire fighter in his day life. he was survived by his father and a 9 year old little brother.

about 15 min before the plane landed the area police department came out in there dress uniform and lined the walkway of the flight line. ALL of the Air Force Fire department came out along with multiple Marines and Army people. Our Command Chief was out there with many other people.

the plane lands.
off come 2 marines (one is the deceased father). they are greeted by another marine and they salute and exchange hand shakes and hugs.

next the casket is lowered off the plane. [at this point i lose it] the marines walk up and salute the casket. The people who have been lining the flight line are all at full attention rendering salutes. I'm in tears and doing my best to keep my shit together.

then start the bag pipes playing amazing grace as the marines carry the casket to the hearse. [ya i have tears streaming at this point].

the little brother had to be escorted off the flight line because he was bawling and didn't want to see it anymore. he was standing with his uncle.

the hearse and the marines are escorted off the flight line by the military police in a long slow sad procession towards the grave yard.

I had a family member die over there. this was a really hard day for me.

I am away from my husband and all of my family. I want you guys to all hug and kiss your loved ones for me.

(yeah I'm still in tears over this)
(sorry its long)
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My Creepy Encounter

So today was a hectic day.

After the rush, I was on the front counter and this normal looking guy walks in and comes up and wants to sign up for a flight.

then he sees my ring and was like oh when is your anniversary. I say 12 days. so he says oh the 2ND, I'm like nope. #1.

so then he starts in on me asking me all these really personal questions and he 'plans' my life for me telling me at 3 years that's when I'll have kids, blah blah, this and that. he took a piece of paper and mapped it all out then he wrote down my last name and waned my email address. he said he was going to contact me in 10 years and see where i am.

it gave me the heebie jeebies. who says that to a stranger?

like I've dealt with some weirdo's in my time. we deal with a lot of military retirees and people who have all sorts of issues.

I've dealt with people who shit and pissed them selves, people who shit in the shower, people who refused to shower, crazy religious people who've built shrines in our terminal, people who claim things happen but never did, people who used the public computers for their 'personal' business.....

he seemed normal enough. just a little too clingy.

but i was texting my husband and he works with a lot of vets. what he said was if i helped the guy (which i did) and was really nice to him (which i was) then he probably just bonded with me. A lot of WWII vets have clingy issues where they bond instantly to those around them that treat them well.
not exactly sane, but understandable.

but this guy just skeeved me out
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i'm a mean mean person

sooooooooo a little back ground

here is the original post:
http://boards.thenest.com/boards/ShowPost.aspx?PostID=50866913&forumid=487

here is someone also being a douchenozzel
http://boards.thenest.com/boards/ShowPost.aspx?PostID=50876963&forumid=487


Here is the original posters apology (didn't go that well)
http://boards.thenest.com/boards/ShowPost.aspx?PostID=50897194&forumid=487

here is the second douchenozzels apology (also didn't go well)
http://boards.thenest.com/boards/ShowPost.aspx?PostID=50982237&forumid=487

ohhhhhhh and here's where i get called out for being mean. I'm so proud
http://boards.thenest.com/boards/ShowPost.aspx?PostID=50984539&forumid=487


summary.
1) don't be a spoiled brat and whine about it
2) be grateful for what you have
3) don't alienate peoples friends and expect it to go over well
4) don't make empty apologies
5) when people obviously don't like you... GO THE FUCK AWAY

Crazy Ass Dream

i have some fucked up dreams sometimes, but I'm pretty sure this one takes the cake.

B and I were in this house. I've never seen this house before but it was 2 stories. All of a sudden we're attacked by these people. they were all men. Next thing i know B kills them all protecting me, but he tries to save them so they're still alive.

so here we are with like 6 half alive bodies. Then all of a sudden we realize there is family upstairs. so we cover the bodies and go up stairs. So we go up stairs and sleep on the couch. Apparently in the dream world this is our 'usual' spot. So then we remember that there are bodies down stairs that we need to go fix and we tell my parent's that we're giving up our spot so someone else can have it and we'll sleep down stairs on the air mattress.

So we go down stairs and try and figure out what to do with these bodies.

---then i woke up---

seriously i didn't know why i dream some of this shit. its really weird. i wasn't scared in this dream which is odd because most of my dreams are scary!!

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TODAYS PICTURES

My Amazing Husband

I have the most functional dysfunctional loving relationship ever. We're both broken from our child hood but it works. he's my balancing point and my complete opposite. where i am weak he is strong and where he is weak i am strong.

He's last minute, go with the flow, laid back, amazing man.
I'm way early, overly organized, have to know whats going on at all times woman.

he grounds me and makes me realize that if the dishes aren't' done because I'm doing home work its okay. that if the laundry piles up because we're busy, that's alright.

he's an amazing person.
i miss him when He's not around.
i totally don't want this to sound bad. but i could live with out him, i just don't want to. my life is just sooooooooooooo much better when he's around. just sitting on the couch and watching TV or the basket ball game while we're both doing homework... he's just there for me and that's an amazing feeling.

right now I'm gone and out of town. i miss him more then i think he knows honestly. i miss him in ways i didn't used to. I used to think that missing him meant i was a big old crying weeping sad mess of a girl. i don't kneed to be like that for him to know i miss him.

he helps me work through a lot of things. he's my support and my rock. i think he's an amazing and loving person. he means the world to me!!!

death, my drunk ramblings

Today I found out someone I've gone to school with since almost kindergarten died. my Friend Donna's dad died this week.
lord rest their souls.

I've come to realize just how much i would be at a loss if the people i hold deeply in my life died suddenly and with out warning.

my mom; even though she wasn't that great growing up. everyone has their faults. i think she's an amazing friend now. She's not that great as a mom, but now that I'm older she's a good friend, she's one of my best friends and one of the first people i call when anything happens. Given the child hood she had its not surprising she's missing the 'mom' gene. but she makes a decent friend.

my dad. he's am amazing amazing amazing person. i don't know what i would do with out him. he's so calm and mellow and go with the flow. he gives and gives and gives. He's the type of person i aspire to be. if he wasn't there to call when i needed something, when i needed advise, or when i needed directions i think I'd be lost, broke, and sad. lol. i knew from age 4 i wanted to be exactly like my dad. he's a great dad. i kind of miss being a kid and him having the ability to fix everything that came around. he's not so good with money, but he's good with just about everything else.

my little brother is my comic relief. god that boy is funny. he's working the same job i was 2 years ago. I don't miss it one little bit. okay i take that back i miss the pay. Robbie is amazing. he's just so funny. i can come to him for just about anything, as long as he doesn't have to get up early and he's good.

my husband... he deserves his own post.

The Events of Yesterday

so the day started out OK. ii jumped right in and started working. went to lunch at 11 came back to a shit ton of MP's (military police).

there were a bunch of 3rd year cadets (ROTC) here waiting on a flight. they were in the back room. all of a sudden all the cops swarm the room. one guy goes in pulls out another guy. cadet A points a finger at cadet B. the MP's drop Cadet B. [drop= put him to the ground]

apparently cadet A ratted out cadet b because cadet B had weed on him or 'weed paraphernalia'

right there in front of everyone cadet a just points the dude out. they hall cadet b out in hand cuffs. they take his baggage off the plane. and hall him off to the holding cells on base until they decide what to do. well, I'm sure they know. but i do not.

thennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn there was a crazy lady. good night this bitch was nuts.

she started out normal. she came in checked in got booked on the flight we had going to hikam, HI. then she says she came off a different flight. she had no bags to check. then she 'magically' loses her closed toed shoes and now has on sandals. she told one of the guys that "she stepped in a hole and couldn't get her shoe out". WTF?

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Nothing Much

So i am on Annual Tour for 2 weeks. i got here the on the 13Th and i get to go back home on the 27Th.

so i get her the 13Th a little early i was supposed to report at 11:30, but i got there around 9. i went to my unit and by 10:30 i was released with nothing to do and no where to go because i couldn't check in to my motel until 3, or so they said. So i went and parked in the library parking lot which is beautiful its surrounded by lovely green trees. i read magazines till noon then i went to see if i could possibly check in. so i got to check in at noon then i went to my unit to see what time i needed to report by. My chief said he'd call me...nope!

so Saturday morning i get dressed and report back to my unit at 7:30. There was not a soul in sight. so i spent a few minutes debating what to do. I decided to report to my duty section hoping that maybe they would have more information then i did. Apparently they had been expecting me since 7am when they started there shift. it was around 7:45 when i got there. but they weren't upset about it, so that was good.

so I'm working 12 hour shifts which doesn't bug me to much i mused to it. when i was in California we had 12 hour shifts. So its no big deal to me.

man what an adventure for my first day back. I can't believe how much i miss being on active duty. it reminds me of a MUCH MUCH simpler time. Where you worked and partied. not a care in the world. i would love to be on active duty again. i really like it and really miss it.

but my crazy day deserves its own post. lol!

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Newest episode of D, A, and deadbeat T

So this is the newest episode in my BFF A's baby daddy drama. I have started calling them episodes because they seem be dramatic enough for any day time soap opera.

Okay, so last night i get a text last night saying
"OMG! T's (her husband) Mom was watching our son today cuz the sitter was sick and she took him to her moms and isn't home with him and its 8pm and she didn't ask WTF?"

Then i say"oh no"

Then she says"yeah. T told me to shut up and stop having a period that it doesn't matter that she didn't let us know"

then i say"he just doesn't get it"

sooooooooooooo fast forward to this morning. and she's back peddling.
So i texted her this morning and ask her what happened. Hoping to get more info.
she says"His mom took D to M-city to T's gma's house but didn't tell us and wouldn't answer her phone."

I asked what time they got back. She says 830 (FYI she works till ten).

then she says"So i call at 8 on my break like always and ask how D (baby) is. T's reply was i don't know. And i was like what do you mean and he went i don't know where he is. And then i was like i wish she would ask or at least tell us because that's not right. and T tells me to shut up and stop having a period he's fine. "

then i say"i would have freaked out"
A: "i tried not to"
Me: "well your stronger than me at that"
A: "I have to be"
ME: " you don't have to put up with that"(here's what gets to me)
A: "i know that. and i wont. i let her know that i want to be told she is taking my son somewhere all day and night and as for tim, he can just talk with out thinking"
ME: "you shouldn't be worried or treated like that"
A: " exactly. i made it clear to both of them" (which i highly doubt)
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What do i say to this? i know she deserves better. i know this isn't a good environment for her and her baby. but how do i help with out pushing her away...i'm at a loss. once again

Can this be over now please?

i'm sooooooooooo tired of hearing my friends go through shiity times it really sucks. not that i'm tired of hearing about it just that it sucks becuase they're all really really good people.

Donna's dad could pass anymoment
Val's grandma might have cancer
Steph's sil's bf's cousin's gf's sister was found dead

okay thats 3. i don't want anyone else to suffer. i just wish the best for all of my friends.

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NEW NEW NEW

SO. i decided to step outside my box and update the layout of my blog.
i got the code here:



She has some amazing layouts. i might just update it again one day.
I am not so good on new things. Oh well.

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Todays picture

TAG YOUR IT!!

If you’re reading this blog post, you’ve just been tagged!

Post an entry in your blog about your top five favorite things. It could be your top five favorite foods, or kitchen items, or books, or gardening tools, or clothing items, or decor pieces in your home. Whatever you want. See my Top 5 Fave Items post below to get you started.

Then post a comment here so I can see all your great posts

My 5 Favorite things

1) my husband
2) our dog sammy



3) being in the military




4) my family (functionally disfunctional)


5) Reality TV

Life goes on...

So Life goes on.
shit happens, you move on., you grown, you learn, and you change.

Friends may come and go
but the ones who drop when life gets rough probably weren't all that great to begin with.
I wear my heart on my sleve. I care deeply and with my whole heart. I care from the deepest part of me. and often that turns to bite me in the ass. and i'm okay with that.

So life goes on...

the term ends on the 12th and i'm so so so ready for this term to be over.
this arch 110 class is annoyingly and quietly killing me. lol.
i'm currently gradded with a big red F. but if i turn in my back work (and finish all my half done projects)i'll get to pass with a B! lol.

This coming summer i am going to seriously die. lol. Its a shorter term, and i'm taking 12 credits.
but i'd rather get them done and over with.

This weekend is drill. and i have my pass or die PT test. i'm ready. i just have to suck it up and deal with it.

23 days till my anniversary! i'm TOTALLY excited.
we're broke as a choke, but as long as we're together. i'm totally okay.

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picture for today

confused...

so apparently i lost a friend and i didn't know it. apparently i'm lame, and sad, and fake. I was unaware of this.

but to the person who thinks this of me, i still think you're a good person. you can hate me and whatever but i have nothing but nice things to say about you. i think you're a good person with a big heart. and i'm deeply sorry for doing what ever i did to make you upset at me. i'm sorry i didn't text you on your birthday. i'm sorry that i was trying to let you have fun with your friends. i'm sorry what i sent you was late. i'm sorry for the things i did that i don't know that i did. i've told you this, but apparently it doesn' treally matter. you've made up your mind about me. and thats okay. you will think what you want to. i'll still be me.