Just a bit off..

I've been feeling just 'off' the last couple days. i don't really feel connected to anyone or anything lately.

i think this is my way of preparing for deployment. I feel myself distancing myself and getting all anxious and nervous. i don't really know what to do with myself or my hands or my face. I'm laughing at things but its not genuine laughter. its half hearted and empty. i feel myself pulling away. because if I'm not as close to things and people that i hold so dear to me by me it won't hut so bad to leave.

i keep trying to convince myself that my husband isn't that great because that way when i come home and he's not here i won't be as devastated and broken. I keep trying to convince myself that I'm okay. that I'm good on my own that i can do with with our with out my family. and to tell you the truth i can't.

i need them. i need my husband more than i have ever needed anyone in my life. I need him to be there for me. i need him to be my rock at home i need him to write me emails and tell me daily he loves me.

I say this or type this with closed eyes only for the pure fact that if i open my eyes i have tears streaming down my face. this realization just hit me like a tun of bricks. i have a heavy heart because I've been bottling this up and telling myself that what I'm feeling isn't want i'm feeling. that doesn't make sense to you but it does to me.

i feel like i'm rambling incoherently. all i want to do right now is bury my face in my husbands chest and cry and tell him how much i need him and how much i want him to be here. i know he will but i wasn't there when my ex came home and he depended on me. maybe this will be karma's way of kicking me in the ass for not being there for him. i'm so deathly afraid that he won't be here that i'm sick over it.

all i want to do is hold him and feel like time stops.
okay i'm done rambling.