Sunday, June 14, 2009

Sad & Confused

So yesterday was meant to be a great happy day but i got kind of sad news.

My grandmothers husband passed away that morning.

i may go to hell for saying this but... I'm not sad he passed. I am however sad for my grandma. She loved him and for that i grieve because she's grieving.

My grandmothers husband was not a kind or nice person. I did not like him. I know i shouldn't speak ill of the dead (or what ever that saying is) but its true. my grandmother is devastated. and i'm so worried about how she's going to fair with this new blow.

My grandmother has buried 3 husbands now. my mom's dad died when she was 18. him and grandma were divorced and she had already been remarried, but they stayed friends. then when i was in 7th grade her 2nd husband, and the man i considered to be my grandpa died. He had a rough ending of life, and i was both sad and happy that he had passed. sad because i loved him, but happy that he was no longer in pain. G (her 3rd husband) moved in on my grandmother soon after my grandpa's passing. which put a bad taste in my mouth to begin with.

but i won't go into the past i've had with that man. but we'll just leave it at he wasn't my favorite.

i've never had someone die in my life and not been sad to see them go. its a seriously weird feeling. and i feel so much guilt for not being sad. I don't know exactly how to put it into words. I just feel confused.

I got a call early this morning. my parents caught a red eye flight out of P-town down to Arizona to be with my grandma. I wish i could be there for her. but i know right now all she really needs is my mom. She's going to be well taken care of. if we could convince her to move up here, we would but she doesn't do winter. Thus, she's flown south for good.

My mother, me, and my grandma on my wedding day.
I hope to be as strong and self assured as my grandma when i'm her age.
hell... i just hope to make it to her age with half her wit.


B said...

I'm sorry that your grandma has to go through this. Don't feel guilty, at least you are being honest with yourself, if you're there for your grandma, she'll appreciate it, and that's all you need to do.